Letter to M. — Misty Lyn Bergeron

Hey M,

I’m sorry for the delay - I’ve been in survival mode. And to be honest, the brain fog is just now lifting from those months of being sick. Thanks for understanding.

It’s funny, when people ask me what I’ve been up to these days I have trouble remembering. Like, what HAVE I been up to? To the outside world it probably looks like I’m not doing much at all. But then I remember alllll of the work, this inner alchemy that has been going on. It takes so much of my time and energy. It’s like a full time job. Maybe the only job that matters? It is what I have been up to most hours of every day for years, but especially the last 20 months. It cuts into finishing records. It cuts into time to write and play. It cuts into projects and relationships. It’s why I haven’t been in touch as often as I’d like. And add to that a global pandemic and complete upheaval of the world outside of my body, you know? It’s nuts. I sometimes wonder how folks would handle an honest response:

“Well, I’ve been grieving and moving trauma through and out of my body. I’ve been begging for help and not getting it. I’ve been learning to help myself. I’ve been learning about my rage and how I’ve been gaslit most of my life. I’m learning how I betray and abandon myself. I’ve been staring in awe at the truth. I’ve been trying to understand why it seems so difficult for us to take good care of each other, to be kind…”

I’m so tired of pretending everything is normal. It takes energy I don’t have. Do you feel normal? Like, I legit don’t want to eat anymore. I’m so sick of having to think about what else to put in my mouth hole. “Oh, I have to cook…and then eat…and then clean … again? No thanks.” What is that? And yes, I know. First world problem, for sure. But kind of a red-flag-first-world-problem?

Anyway, I’m still doing yoga everyday. It seems to be helping me pull up buried trauma and wring it out of my body. Tears will just start streaming down my face - especially in the twists. It reminds me of when I went to see that Chinese medicine doctor and he put that needle in my head and I just cried for 20 minutes not knowing why. He asked me, “Why are you so grave?” I mean, you tell me, asshole! That’s why I’m here! Haha 😭

Anyway, I digress. Here are some photos of my most recent walk in the woods. Have you been getting outside? The longer I’m on the planet the more I can feel the trees. I swear, if your insides are quiet enough you can feel the energy change when you walk into the woods. Or even under them in the city. Pay attention and let me know if you can feel it - I believe we all can. It’s like the trees hold space for us, for our joy, for our grief. Breathe in deep, too - there is medicine in the air when you’re in the woods. So amazing.

Ok - that’s it for now. I hope any of this made sense. I promise to try to connect more often. Please let me know how you’re doing.

and remember, M :

Everything is a miracle. Even this. Even now.

— M